Friday, January 13, 2017

Your bed has vanished under boxes now.

That's how long it's been. All the mail you've gotten since you left is basically covering your entire bed. It'll be like Christmas for you when you come back.

It's been crazy around here since you left. Deadlines, of course, and then I got hit with the flu. Immediately after that, my aunt ended up in the hospital, and she's been there since December 20th. And she'll be there for another...I don't know how long. Her kids and my uncle (her brother, not her ex) have been visiting, and the house has been in chaos for the last ten days. Mom left the day after the first one of them arrived, leaving me to handle it all. So many people, C. The last of them just left this afternoon. It was overwhelming. I wish you had been there, but at the same time I'm glad you weren't--it would've exhausted you even more than it did to me.

Tomorrow starts the SCBWI conference I'd planned on dragging you to, so I guess you're off the hook. I'm hoping you'll be back in time for RT, though. We're holding on to your spot in the room for a little longer just in case. I'll talk them into keeping it for as long as possible. I really want you to be there.

Also, I got a new car. It's pretty and BLUE, finally. A bright blue Hyundai Elantra that the internet has named Misty. Nemesis is out now, too. And Island is only a few weeks away. Maybe you'll be here before that release to celebrate it with me.

I miss you madly, C.
Stay safe and hurry back, okay?


Tuesday, January 10, 2017

What's Worth Sharing

I've really struggled trying to figure out what to write. The last few months have been really hard, and I've been afraid to post anything because I was afraid anything I'd say would just make you sadder. But I miss you. I want you to know that I'm thinking of you, all the time.

I got married last month. I wish you could meet my partner. I found a dress (I wore an actual dress, loooool) for $50 at Goodwill with the tags still on, and we ran down to the courthouse without telling our families at all. That same week, I submitted my name change paperwork, which is super exciting. Both of these things feel like relief, like taking off too-tight shoes.

I've been struggling to write anything for the past few months, but I actually finished a short story yesterday and had an idea for a YA (a big first for me) this week that I might pursue. A lot of what has come out of my head in the past few months has been dealing with grief and loss and self. This YA is about an autistic genderqueer kid who has lived many lives. Lately I've been trying to write things that I would have needed as a kid. I think characters can sometimes feel like they give us permission to exist. Nobody should need permission to exist, but representation is validation in a world that doesn't want a lot of us.

There are so many moments I wish I could just teleport all of us right to you so we could be there for you in person. I hope you know how much we love you every day.


Wednesday, January 4, 2017


My latest book came out and it was another jolt because, as usual, you were there in the acknowledgments. 

It's little things like this on top of your absence that makes this awful feeling never go away. I miss you and your words and it sucks that I can't talk to you about book stuff. Your fingerprints were on practically everything I wrote. 



Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Happy New Year

Miss you, C. <3


Thursday, December 29, 2016


The people at Starbucks keep writing your name on my coffee cups.
I've become a person who looks for signs, and every time your name ends up on my coffee cup, I tell myself that you're doing okay.
That you're safe.

I keep on hoping this is temporary. That you'll come back, and one day we'll look back at all of this and marvel how somehow something so awful will have ended so supremely well.

I'm writing the happy ending for you when your name shows up on my coffee cups. When someone mentions something you love. When something happens and I want to text you about it. When something reminds me of you. Once upon a time there was a C, who had to go on an epic quest and had to fight the dark. Which obviously was a lot more complicated than it first looked, because the dark is tricky like that.

And after all sorts of dramatic happenings, the dragons were vanquished, and you found a princess with a heart of gold and a will of iron and enough love to blanket the whole world over. I'm writing a happy ending for you, because I cannot possibly imagine an alternate ending to this. I'm writing a happy ending for you the same way I asked you to write a happy ending for yourself.

I still want you to write your own happy ending. Write it as many times as you need to until you believe in it.

I miss you.


Sending you love

The holiday season is a lot less happy with you gone. In one sense I'm so glad 2016 is almost over with all the pain it's caused. On the other hand, it feels wrong to start a new year without you. My only comfort is hoping that somewhere you're surrounded by love and warmth, and that 2017 will be a year of hope.

I know what I'll be hoping for. To see you again, to have you back, to have this all be a bad dream.

My birthday was this week, and my wish went to you. As I blew out the candles, I wished for your safety, your happiness, and (selfishly) your return.

Happy New Year, C. Sending you a big hug and all my love.


Wednesday, December 7, 2016


This doesn't get any easier, and that makes me hurt for you, for I know it's worse on you, C. I'm clinging to the hope that you're safe and okay. I'm choosing to believe that this is temporary and that you haven't been ripped away from us and yourself forever, but that doesn't make it any easier when I can't talk to you.

But I love you and miss you and hope you know I'm thinking of you.